haPpy 2010!!!

(Balance in 2010 is my goal!)

Perhaps not at the very first minute of 2010...but still...here's wishing all my beloved readers a very hAPpy 2010!! I bet most of you had a fun countdown session, be it with your friends, family or loved ones...for me, I had a homely countdown with Dar after some sumptuous steamboat dinner and desserts @ home~

2009 hasn't been the best year for me...with loads of ups and downs. And I can't seem to really remember any significant events that took place in the past year...or perhaps one of the marked events might be that I've finally took a step of faith and accepted a new job...and so far so good...I'm still looking forward to work every night before a work day!

In the area of friends, I lost some but I also grew closer to some others~ Some of my girlfriends I know will always stick together, and for them, I thank God! I've had some beloved ones getting married and stepping into a brand new phase in their lives, and some, like me, changed jobs and are fighting hard for their careers. But of all, I'm glad that even though all are busy and may not be able to meet up as often, we still feel the friendship existing!

In my love relationship with Dar, 2009 was indeed a tough route. Some really low periods came testing us...and at times, we nearly failed, but I'm glad with each temptations and obstacles, we overcame and grew stronger then ever before. I see more of him and I also love him more. I'm just super happy that in 2010, Dar is still with me, in my life and doting me!

As for my family, I wouldn't say we've been super close. Apart from the weekly family dinner on Sundays, we don't really spend much time together. But recently, just in the last couple of months in 2009, with the preparation of my Brother's upcoming wedding in this month (Jan 2010), I feel, we have gotten closer. I still love my Daddy the most...and as for my mum, I hope we can get closer~ One thing is for sure - my family will be merrier with Bro and my sister-in-law moving in...and I'm actually kinda looking forward to it!

But apart from all the people ties, Bella haven't been really fruitful in the area of her personal development, particularly so in her health and education! Other then going for my CPA Singapore exam and waiting for the attainment of the certification in this coming July, nothing significant has been achieved, and so with this, and several other factors, I've come up with some New Year Resolutions for 2010 with Dar on our new year eve countdown!

1) Sign up for gym and start exercising!
2) Gonna pick up some skills - still contemplating if I should go ahead with CFA paper 1 or take up other classes like dancing or bakery or fashion design
3) Strictly no drinks-alone session - i.e. no more sessions with friends that is just for drinks. Cos' just few days before the year 2009 ended, I was quite disgusted by how wasted I felt after all these drinking has done to me and my health, so it's gonna be at least 1 year of no drinks-alone session
4) Excel in my work and know my colleagues better!
5) Continue to spend time with my beloved girlfriends often!
6) Spend more weekend time with my family
7) Last, but not least, love Dar more!

These sums up my new year resolutions for this new year ahead of me! And in 2009, I actually managed to go travelling with my girlfriends for quite a bit, to Hongkong and Bangkok. So in 2010, if time and money allows, I hope to still do the same, and if possible, with Dar this time round too! I shall now keep my fingers crossed and start working hard for all my wishes in this new year to come true!!!

And to all out there, I wish you all the best for attaining your new year resolutions too!!! May God bless you and stay cheerful every day! We shall charge forth with enthusiasm and be ready to get rewarded!!!

*Cheers*

P.S: Picture taken from Google

Happy Earth Day to all!!!

Oh yes oh yes oh yes..Happy Earth Day to all!!!The day has been kind to me so far. It's 1325 now by the way. Just had my lunchie with my 2 colleagues, Sarah and Wei Khim, at a Taiwanese eatery at the Temasek Towers. And the sinful me is now drinking yet another cuppa of honey red tea with pearls...but oh well...I guess satisfying my mouth is my only way to more or less cheer my working day up! I'm currently back in office coz the client needed their meeting room from 11am to 1400pm today. So me and Miss Xianie brought some work back to office to do. As for me now...currently waiting for Miss Xianie to return to office from her lunchie at Raffles Place before we head back to client's place together.

(The Chicken Chop rice at Temasek Towers..i lurrrvee the chili powder!Oopz n my fattening bubble honey red tea!!Yumx..)

Woke up only at around 8am this morning. Took a bus and ended up reaching client's place only at around 945am. The sleep last night felt so short. After my 5 mins eye massage, I fell deep asleep into my dreams. Not quite sure if it was the fruit infusion that made me so relaxed, or was it the eye massager..or it's simply due to my lack of sleep the night before last night.

Felt so cold at client's meeting room today. Not sure if it's really cold or am I falling ill., coz I don't usually feel cold. Try stepping into my room and you'll get what I mean..my brother terms it - North Pole room. Hahax...

(Alright I'm not as cute..but I felt like freezing then..=p)

During lunch today, I suddenly realised how working life can be in a way dangerous. We have people that we don't like and find hard to work with..but come to think of it, we seriously wouldn't know if somehow u stood at the other end in other people's views as well. I've a AM (Assistant Manager) in my Department who used to always mention about "Karma" in this field of audit, whereby we shouldn't laugh or tease people about their misfortunes in audit or you might get their misfortunes hit your life as well. And funnily but truely, seems like many people have experienced this "Karma" factor in my Department. I get a little puzzled at times with all the small revelations that hit my small brainie during the day. Be amazed however, that sometimes taking extra notice on these revelations might bring us a better tomorrow, and be more vigilant in our steps we take. Maybe...when we feel like we dislike someone next time, brushing it away whenever possible, instead of trying to find more people to build the intensity up might make us happier and more involved in our business..dont' you think?

Anyway Bella had wanted to plan a farewell KTV session for Miss Xianie this coming Friday. But with news on some colleagues holding the intention to pull out from the KTV..Bella's having quite a headache as to whether I should book the big room now. Hopefully the farewell can be a successful one!

Suddenly realised my post today is just superly random. Sorry if I bored any of you. I just thought..I could probably share what is running in my brainie at this moment....*brain bubbles KTV..Kelong fund collection..remaining workpapers to finish (coz Mr. Soda Man came to bug me like a few minutes ago..arghhh)..oh and more so about my TOIL (Time-off in lieu that I can finally claim).hmm..how can I relax!!*

(Oh..the relaxing view from client's place makes me remember Earth Day!)

Hmm..but the guilty me has yet to have done anything for the Earth today...maybe something could be done...*thinking*...

A love I put in my wishlist

It's been quite some time since I last longed for and had soooooo much interest in a movie...not until I happen to come across a commercial on the movie "The Bucket List". Two of my favourite actors are in it...playing ear to ear..namely Jack Nickolson and Morgan Freeman. I waited for the show to come..and finally after what seems like ages..I got to watch it tonight. A great way to take my mind off from all..and a show I know I can depend on to bring some inspiration to my life.

I wouldn't go much into the details of the show but to leave to all of you to catch the show..but perhaps except for the fact that I teared and then cried in the show, and of course not leaving my post without some sharing. Two specific scenes in the movie touched my heart so much..and I mean really much. So much so that I kept it in my heart..wanting to remember it more then any other scenes.

One of the memorable scene that hit me so strongly was when Carter Chambers (Morgan Freeman) talked to Edward Cole (Jack Nickolson) while soaking in the bath-tub, sharing with Edward about how he suddenly realised his change of feelings for his wife (his only love) after living through his life. To start from his strong and passionate love for her, and not wanting to walk down the streets without his wife's hands. But only to realise one day that something was missing, that the feeling was lost. It attracted me at that instance how romantic and important, or rather precious it can be, when a man knows how to look back and realise something is missing, and with this, not abandoning but holds in his words and emotions a longing to chase back that lost feeling.

The second scene was when a beautiful woman came to Carter, supposedly planned by Edward after hearing that Carter's wife was Carter's only woman in his life. Strong was the temptation with a gorgeous lady standing right before him, without his wife around, but only to hear Carter reject the lady gentlemanly. And what followed up that moved me to tears was when the lady told Carter that Carter's wife must be a very wonderful woman to have a man like Carter by her side and that his wife was fortunate. But unlike what most guys I came across would say, this man here said with such great sincerity and belief, that he was the lucky one to have his wife (it surprised me coz he had initially find her wife too sticky and noisy at the beginning of the show). To me, I would say, how blessed it would be for a woman to work so hard for her relationship and the one she loved with her time and love, and with no need for great luxury or overly exaggerated sweet words, but only to be able to hear her man thanking her with such great words of sincerity. This, in my opinion, would mean more then any other gifts on earth, and even more then any superficial honeyed words that were used too loosely today. And I teared as I hear Carter's words...and praying to God...if I may have a blessed life like this.

No withhelding of true love, no room for pride, and even with anger, let it be anger of concern and of love. To not hurt, but to guide with patience and love. To be always humble and forgiving, even if mistakes were done. To understand and always trust that wrongdoings are not done intentionally, so that both could hold their hands till they are old. And I believe, a kiss on the lips when both are old at age is worth more then having tons of gold. Do you agree?

Bella is heavy at heart...

Bella thought once again today was going to be my last day at this stupid engagement...with her!! But only to know I still have to be in tomorrow morning...I can only go back to office in the afternoon.

Bella have been feeling so sick since Sunday afternoon, with all the cramps and fever. My fever got worsen this afternoon. I reached client's place this morning, and the moment I open my laptop, I received a email stating all that I was expected to do. Never mind about that I thought to myself as long as I can finish my work maybe I can take urgent leave or MC tomorrow to rest coz I know my body is wearing out. So I rushed and did all that I could, and by the end of the day, of the long list given, only 1 was pending. And this 1 matter that is pending is simply due to the fact that I'm still waiting for client to provide me with some information before I can continue. I even helped with some other stuff with the waiting time. Then I told her (my senior) that I was thinking if nothing much is left and if it is okay for it to be outstanding since Finals is not v far away, I told her I might be taking urgent leave tomorrow. A face that shows/hint that I should not or cannot take urgent leave appeared. I just wanted to be prepared for my next job coz I don't want to have to fall even more sick in my next job, especially since I did manage to finish all that i could. Dar Dar kept asking me to go see doctor or take a day off when he knew I was suffering and trembling, but I just simply can't. =( Guess Dar Dar must be wondering why I so persistent to not go to the doctor. I can only say, I don't know how I can go...

I kept quiet about it eventually and continued to work. Nearing the end of the day, I could hold back no longer. I told her about my unhappiness in this job and my thoughts. Eventually she told me hers too. I guess after I told her how I felt, she already held hard feelings. But to me, my whole purpose of telling her is because I still have to spend the Finals audit with her. I shall not go into detail or remind myself of the things she said, but I only know I saw another face of a person whom almost all my colleagues find a nice person. Before I entered this job, many people say it should be an alright job since the senior is a nice person. I went into the job thinking so, but i left the interims with a totally different thought. A minute she can say "Oh I think you are very capable"..and the next minute after I feedback to her my thoughts, I wondered if she took it personally or what when she said "seriously I think the stuff I gave you are simple and little". Call the whole of P&L section and some B/S items in 3 days little? Tell me about it! I even tried asking myself if the problem is me coz it seems like all the others find her okie..she even asked one of my fellow colleagues in her job if he wants her to book him and do nothing and slack. But for me, even when I'm sick I can't take leave for a job I've finished like 99%. Thus, this is the reason why I said I have managed to see a "so-called nice person in many people's eyes" to turn to someone I don't see from their descriptions when she is stressed. I don't mind helping (though I guess she most probably see it that I don't want to help the moment I told her about my thoughts), but at least given adequate time and with appreciation. Afterall, I'm helping someone getting a much higher pay then me and all I get in return is "It's easy stuff" and not be appreciated that me as an assistant has gone an extra mile. Forget about any Thank You stuff but at least save the sarcastic wordings too. That will help!

Anyway, I decided to leave early today coz I've seriously finished all that I could do. Thank God I have Dar Dar to wait for me to go home with me. At least seeing him makes me feel so much better. I had lunchie with Dar Dar today too. We both were not feeling well so I suggested we have some soup for lunch (easy digestion might help). So, we went to The Soup Spoon. After lunch, I bought some stuff and we headed back to work. I feel so tired and uncomfortable after lunchie..was having fever and trembling away..but work carries on..

(My Velvety Mushroom and Dar Dar had Clam chowder soup)

(Dar Dar's Mushroom Pesto sandwich and my Smoked Salmon - end up I had Dar's while he ate mine!LOL...)



(here's me trying to smile to the mirror after the very upsetting talk..not very successful though!)

Bella wishes to apologise to my readers coz recently Bella's getting a little more grumpy due to work. But this is like one of my very few channels to pour out my woes. After all, I don't intend to bring up this unhappy encounter with anyone in office since all of them have such a wonderful impression of her. However, I know some of the colleagues do visit my blog, so hope you guys can just keep it to yourself and not mention it in office. In anyway, hope you guys understand I'm already vexed enough having such a bad relationship with her and I don't wish to have to talk about her anymore once I'm outta the job. I seriously don't care much about the appraisal she's gonna give (coz I know it wouldn't be anything fantastic when it comes out of sourness), I just want to get the job over and done with. Pray for me my readers...I need to regain my smile again. And it's not just about regaining my smile for the short period I see my Dar Dar, but to be able to smile when I'm working. I used to, and I miss it. I really do...

my mixed feelings...

Who am I? How am I like? Am I really not doing enough? Or rather am I really doing too little? I haven been blogging for the past few days coz I know I needed to think more...more issues have to be solved within me...and around me.

Friday was supposed to be my last day at an audit engagement interims, but it also happened to be my mum's birthday. Through out that whole day, I really rushed like mad to clear my allocated work...but only to find my senior giving me more and more work, moreover giving me an impression that I have to finish it before I leave. I would dare to say after much reflection that I did allocate and planned my work to ensure that I can finish my allocated stuff on time before I pulled out from my interims work, but how can she just keep adding new things and yet make it seem like it's so reasonable to hand it in on time? I kept quiet though I was brewing deep within me. My limit was extended further when even filing a piece of paper and photocopying a piece of document was pushed to me when I was in the midst of rushing the added work from her. I know I have to do it coz she's my senior..but is opening the file that is just right in front of her to file in a piece of paper so hard (esp when I've already punched holes for it, ref-ed it and even stick reinforcement rings on it)? I took it over silently and beared with all these nitty gritty things that was so within her ability to do.

(The sunny weather on Friday and Dar Dar cheered my day for me to move on)

Especially the end of the day, when I admit that I got anxious coz I know my mum is the type who really thinks her birthday is the biggest event of the world and I had to be there. And my senior came off with a statement and say "Why not you just go. Anyway I don't think you can do anything like this!" I flared up in me. What sarcasm! And she made it sound so great that it's so my fault that I can't finish my work. I hid everything inside of me and called my next engagement senior asking if I could start my job on Tuesday instead. He agreed and I then told my senior that I'll be back on Monday to clear everything. With all these pressure going on, imagine my Dad and Brother calling me asking if I'm on my way. If only the whole world can stop rushing me, it would help so much!

I met up with Dar Dar and we took a train together down to where my family agreed to celebrate my mum's birthday at. In the train, thoughts ran in my mind asking why I have to slog so hard and let my mum or even my senior take it so for granted that I owed them everything I have fought so hard to give. When we reached YCK MRT station, I walked to the seats at the MRT station instead of heading to the restaurant immediately, simply coz I know I can't hold back anymore. I broke down there and then in public, in an MRT station. Dar Dar just sat beside me in silence while I cried and cried. I could no longer hold back all the stress in me though I have been holding back for quite some time. In the end, we walked to the restaurant after another call from my Mum asking if we're reaching. I reached there with my sore and red eyes. I drank quite a bit that night, didn't eat much. Dar Dar spent the night with me. Though he is always silent and never give much comforting words, I guess it's the best I can get. At times I get angry coz girls always need comfort from the one they love but for me, I don't get much of comforting words. So I will tell myself at least I have his shoulder and hug to rely on. I know I have to try my best to be understanding coz I know he just isn't used to saying comforting words. I just hope he tries, like how he tries to comfort his friends at times.

(The dishes ordered for the night)

(My personal wine collection. Dar didn't drink much, here's the comparison after I down more than half a bottle of it after some beer in the restaurant)

We slept til late into Saturday before we headed to Vivocity for the movie "The Leap Years". I know we watched it much later coz the leap year has already passed us about half a month ago. But nevertheless, I'm glad I managed to watch it. I cried a lot in the cinema. After the movies, Dar Dar and me went to meet Dar Dar's Daddy for dinner. It's been so long since we had Dinner together. I enjoyed the dinner though the thoughts of the opening lines continued to show up in my mind. I just didn't say much about it to Dar Dar. After all, he might feel helpless if I do say to him coz then he wouldn't know what to say also.

(Waiting for train to come...)

("The Leap Years" Movie_a must watch!)

(At the restaurant)

I spent the whole Sunday today at home. Not feeling v good coz my backache is back, am having slight fever and my abdominal is giving me cramps too. Just keeping my fingers crossed that I'll recover and be able to finish up all my work before I pull out tomorrow. Pray hard for me.

i just wish to say...

I haven done much this Sunday I drift away in sub consciousness...floating in semi dreamy mode, just wanting to lie on my bed for the whole day to avoid loneliness. I suddenly realised how much I'm afraid of being alone. Baby wasn't around with me today and I suddenly feel so restless. Was it really him or is it me being too tired from work?

I dreamt of many things this afternoon. Then I suddenly felt so lost. Lost from my own world. Waking up, going to work, taking my month salary every month end, and repeating it every day. I don't know what I have achieved. I fall in love but there is always this weakness in me. I fall in love and I thought I was happy and blessed but the feeling runs away from me now and then whenever he's not around. I work and thought I was on my track to being successful...but only to fall into a lost state asking myself what I have achieved or what I will be able to achieve in the coming days. I envy many people, but I do not know how I can grow out of it and one day be proud of myself. And I mean really be proud of myself.

I haven blogged for a week. Probably this is the reason. My sub-conscious state being too lost to be able to mention about my days anymore. Is this just a passing phase for me? How can I cross it? Will I feel better about myself after a sleep? Where is my pursuit of beauty in my life leading me to? I feel like I'm in a emotional low...I feel so insecure...and maybe this is why I miss him especially much today. I'm afterall a woman searching for security. Weak might be a description some people at their strong state might use on me...but...am I really the only one passing such a phase? To be bluffed so often by an illusion I allowed myself to be blinded with.....An illusion of a successful picture...but only to be unveiled with so many loopholes in life...that is me...the me now.

A life worth pursuing...

Making a decision on what to blog for my 1st post here can be a rather tough one...and I finally decided to give a small introduction to my life...I hope whoever steps in here will not be bored to death by my simplistic life...

From a teenage girl to a so-called lady today, I'm definitely one whom some people around me envy, but also one who constantly envies other people around me. Hoping to live a life of perfection - one with perfect love, perfect career, perfect friends, and a perfect family - is the idealistic life that I wish to attain. If you would ask deep down, I believe most if not all people out there longs for an idealistic life of their own. Different measurement tapes are used by you and I, but surely we have our ideals.

I have a family whom I've stayed with for the past near 23 years of my life. My mum and dad, and a elder brother. I consider myself to be a more daddy's girl rather then a mummy's girl, though I know all of them ultimately holds a status in my heart. Home's never perfect when you grow up in there, coz you see all the faults that you wish never exist. But in times of despair and storms which I've surely gone through, I know they will never turn their love away from me. With this, I believe they are perfect in a way of their own. My family way.

For my perfect love, he appeared in my life since I was 13. But a hidden one that is. A love I have long hidden deep down, only to be left so exposed and alive once again few days before my 21st bday, what a key to my turning point in life. Anger and disappointments do arise, and many a times I long so much for perfection in love that I felt this just shouldn't be the way. But persistence through the rough periods always never fails to prove the perfection that has yet to be revealed as at the rough period. He, I don't know what else I can say, but a love I wish can stay as my perfect love in life. He was, he is now, and I wish he will be in the path ahead.

Working as a rather fresh graduate, perfection in career might still seem a little too vague to me now. But I hold the trust in myself that I will be able to carve it out sooner or later, with a little bit of patience and experience, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the time being.

For friends, many friends come and go. You probably have the same experience as me. You rush through time, meet people but only to stop during the wee hours to find yourself so alone. I dare not ask for much, and sometimes I wonder who will say out my name as their best friend in life, but I do know God has blessed me with people I can still look for in times of trouble, and people whom I can share my life with (be it just once in a blue moon)...to me this is enough.

No one is perfect, but have you ever, just like me, overlooked this fact and expect so much from the people around you? In the attempt to try to make everything better, many a times we overlooked. So, will you hold and turn back for a split second with me, pause and recall...

Have you made this mistake of overlooking and hurting someone with your expectations?
I realised I did.


Hope my 1st post here didn't bore anyone. With this, I wish for a better tomorrow and for many excitements to come my way, that I may post and color my Bella Vida pursuit here! *cheers*