I didn't blog yesterday because I was simply too tired by the time i reach home from a big quarrel with my baby. He suggested a break-up half way through our agreed talk. Our talk was kinda interrupted due to our journey back home in the train. With too many people around us, I know he dislike me to get emotional in public (Guys face really can be very important to them), so I thought maybe it'll be better to go to his house to talk. But half way through he stopped, coz i kept silent through out when trying to walk over to his house. He flared up (no longer have much patience with me) and left me stranded in the public below his house. He left and walked off. I stood hoping he will come back to get me...i waited and waited with nothing from his side. I eventually gave in and called him...kind of demanding him to come get me if this relationship meant something to him. He refused, saying he will not come. After so much struggles we went through, he decided to give up just lidat. He said he just wanted me to leave. A completely different him appeared from then on. He forgot all about his promises to stay patient with me, to be willing to overcome everything with me, to be willing to teach me should I missed something.
No one is perfect like in my previous post. But because he felt I haven learnt what he wanted me to learn, he felt we can no longer communicate. No one couple fits each other like jigsaw puzzle pieces. If one method of communication fails, don't hang on to that method hoping miracle to happen, coz obviously because that method has failed, the other party will not know what really went wrong and it'll be like pointing a route to a blind man who can't see ur views (esp without you patiently explaining).
He said our characters are not suitable. Back then when we first got together, we knew this problem existed. But his determination to make our relationship possible helped me built faith believing love can conquer all things, if BOTH parties really wish and are willing to try their very best..to never give up. I figured out that actually both our characters are so similar that we tend to be just changing roles saying the same things. He dislike people to teach him or treat him using the hard way. So m I. But he never realised it until yesterday. Seriously who loves to be treated the hard way? especially when we both have great prides (a problem within our individual selves that we admit). He turned cold when I (being the blind man seriously couldn't see the direction he is pointing) and he gave up. It hurt me greatly. Love me, and you say but sorry i have given up because you can't see my point...is this a valid reason? I love you, and despite the condition and cruel treatment you give me, I was still willing to talk things out with you with a soft approach. Love should not be one that is so weak. Problems come and you give up on the other party is seriously irresponsible love, or perhaps not love at all. Is our love so weak that you cannot hold on further and embrace me with your love and help me through to help me see the direction you want me to go?
Sometimes I get scared, especially when his attitude totally change from one who said he will protect me forever, and wish to plan a future for us, to a man who can bear to see me hurt and slashed with his words and have no reserves for our love. A man who said he just wan to give up despite my persistence in our relationship. Which girl on this earth wouldn't complain or get grumpy? But by now he should know that no matter what I say, I still love him from my heart and I have never thought of giving our relationship up. He used to tell me so many things that he failed to perform himself and I still eventually live with it as long as he say he will try. He used to request for me not to see breakup as an alternative to every quarrel, and to always communicate, to be more patient and not throw my temper around. So now, i no longer bring up break ups, I try my best to let him know what I think and my views, I hold my temper down by soooooo much. Can you see my dear? Don't turn blind to my changes for you. Just like how I see your changes in trying to be patient when I'm stressed, to try to tell me your points, can you recognise my changes also?
Seeing his cruel and cold side, a man who is totally indifferent to my hurts and pains, can I still lean on him for the rest of my life? In quarrels, he ask since I can name out so many of his bad point, why do I still say i love him so much. That is because I have learnt to focus on your good points when we are loving and well. I choose to think of you as the good man and not the cruel you. Please stop hurting me with your pride and ego (thou i know i have them too..but I'm changing)...Please treat me and our relationship well and hold on tight like you promised before. I love you too much to see you go...but do you hold the same sentiments? Now, I no longer can answer anyone confidently the question of whether you will be sad if one day you lose me. Coz your calm-ness when you are on the verge of seeing me leave and the attitude of just wanting to end the quarrel (be it whether you have to lose me) really scares me.
We talked. Though now we're back, but I'm emotionally strained and traumatised. Really traumatised. He can now say he will stay with me for as long as he lives, but will he eat his words back later on when he get angered? Is your view for our relationship really long term or just over that short few moments when you r angered and feel like just ending it coz it frustrates you? I m willing to sort things through trial and error, even though I know there's bound to be conflicts when the way doesn't work..but will you?
With all that I've said, I also not denying the many facts that I made mistakes and that's the reason why he get angered at times. I have pride and ego myself. I am still learning how to admit mistakes more outrightly. My temper is bad (but i really have improved a lot). If you're wrong, I get angered but I never gave up on you. So can you be fair to us if this relationship ever meant anything to you deep in your heart? We're both in it, so can you please measure it with both our feelings not just with yours. I get hurt when you choose to just follow your anger and give up on me. It's not so much about promising everything just to make it fall easily on the other party's ears...It's about being able to fulfill, if not try your best. Even if you tried and it failed, can WE work things out with another method? He once said there will surely be a way to work things out when we went on a HK trip. I trusted his faith in us and loved him wholeheartedly. Love me with a genuinely and transparent heart, one that present how you truly wish to love me. Not one that is acted upon with impulse and cruelty. The promises and sweet things you sms-ed me...will they have a lifetime of validity? Will they?
I'm greatly strained...
P.S to Dar Dar: I'm foresee-ing that if you see my post, you most probably might flare up coz when I brought up some of these thoughts during our argument, you flared up. But this is really what bothers me in my every night sleep. So please allow me to release somewhere. I know we have talked through and better understand each other's thoughts, what I blogged I considered past. But I decide to blog it still because the insecurity is still within me and I just wanted to release it somewhere. Hope you understand. Sorry if it upset you again. I really sincerely apologise. Sorry Dar Dar. Please know I hold no ill intentions to blog about it. I really still love you.
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