I haven done much this Sunday I drift away in sub consciousness...floating in semi dreamy mode, just wanting to lie on my bed for the whole day to avoid loneliness. I suddenly realised how much I'm afraid of being alone. Baby wasn't around with me today and I suddenly feel so restless. Was it really him or is it me being too tired from work?
I dreamt of many things this afternoon. Then I suddenly felt so lost. Lost from my own world. Waking up, going to work, taking my month salary every month end, and repeating it every day. I don't know what I have achieved. I fall in love but there is always this weakness in me. I fall in love and I thought I was happy and blessed but the feeling runs away from me now and then whenever he's not around. I work and thought I was on my track to being successful...but only to fall into a lost state asking myself what I have achieved or what I will be able to achieve in the coming days. I envy many people, but I do not know how I can grow out of it and one day be proud of myself. And I mean really be proud of myself.
I haven blogged for a week. Probably this is the reason. My sub-conscious state being too lost to be able to mention about my days anymore. Is this just a passing phase for me? How can I cross it? Will I feel better about myself after a sleep? Where is my pursuit of beauty in my life leading me to? I feel like I'm in a emotional low...I feel so insecure...and maybe this is why I miss him especially much today. I'm afterall a woman searching for security. Weak might be a description some people at their strong state might use on me...but...am I really the only one passing such a phase? To be bluffed so often by an illusion I allowed myself to be blinded with.....An illusion of a successful picture...but only to be unveiled with so many loopholes in life...that is me...the me now.
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